Treatise Answering the Book of Beards, The

Barnes, (Master)

STC 1465
Ringler 1465 and TP 175.5; also TP 205 ('Barnes I say...' [printer's epilogue]) and TP 2018 ('To drynke with me...' [verse on t.p. verso]). Rpt. Frederick J. Furnivall, EETS es 10 (1870), 305-16. "In two parts of probably ten sts. each ... opening 5 lines or more lost because A4 is lacking" (Ringler). No copy of A. Borde's _Book of Beards_ is known to survive. UMI microfilm reel 24

The treatyse answerynge the boke of berdes. Compyled by Collyn clowte
London: R. W[yer],1541?.

Composition Date: 1541? [STC].

Compyled by Collyn_clowte, dedycatyd to Barnarde_barber dwellynge in Banbery.TO the ryght worshypfulle (Barnarde_Barber,) dwellynge in Banberye,Collyn_Clowte, surrendreth gretynge with immortall thankes. Barnes in the defence of the Berde.
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¶The treatyse answerynge the boke of Berdes.

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¶To drynke with me, be not a_ferde
For here ye se groweth neuer a berde.

¶I am a foole of Cocke_lorellys bote
Callyng al knaues, to pull therin a rope.

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¶The preface, or the pystle.

IT was so worshypful syr, that at my last beynge in Mountpyllour I chaunsed to be assocyat with a doctor of Physyke / which at his retorne had set forth .iij. Bokes to be prynted in Fleetstrete, within Temple_barre, the whiche Bokes were compyled togyther in one volume named the Introductorie of knowledge / whervpon there dyd not resort only vnto hym marchauntes, gentylmen, and wymen / but also knyghtes, and other great men, whiche were desyrous to knowe the effycacyte, and the effecte of his aforesayd bokes, and so amonge many thynges, they desyred to knowe his fansye, consernynge the werynge of Berdes / He answeryd by great experyence. Some wyl weer berdes bycause theyr faces be pocky, maungy, sausflewme, lyporous, and dysfygured / by the whiche many clene men were infected. So this done, he desyred euery man to be contentyd: Wherfore I desyre no man to be dyspleasyd with me. And where-as he was anymatyd to wryte his boke to th'ende, that great men may laugh therat / I haue deuysed this answere to the entent: that in the redyng they myght laughe vs bothe to scorne / And for that cause I wrote this boke, as god knoweth my pretence / who euer keape youre maystershyp in helthe.

¶Here foloweth a treatyse, made Answerynge the treatyse of doctor Borde vpon Berdes.

CAllynge to remembraunce your notable reproche gyuen vnto berdes, I was constrayned to render the occasion therof, wherupon, I founde by longe surmyse and studye that ye had red the storye of Hellogobalus, and; founde therin greate and stronge auctoryties / which by lykelyhode mouyd you to this Reformacyon of berdes. For ye knowe that Hellogobalus beynge gyuen moche to the desyre of the body, and that by moche superfluyte, [h]e he] ye 1541 thought it requysyght to commyt the fylthy synne of leche[r]y lechery] lechey 1541, vpon the receyptes of delycate meates. For he caused his cokes to make and ordeyne suche hote meates that maye prouoke or stere hym the rather therunto. And in ther so doyng he made them some of his preuye chambre some of his hed lordes of his counsell But yet the chefe and pryncypall preseptes that he gaue vnto his cokes, was this that they shulde not only polle theyr hedes, but also shaue theyr berdes. For this entente, that when he were dronkyn, or vomety[n]ge rype by takyng excesse, that he myghte be well assuryd, that it came not by no heer of from his cokes heddes. For his delyght was not onely in the feminyne kynde / but also delyghted in womenly men / yet he and his fyne vnberdyd faces ledde not onely a vycyous lyfe, but also made a shameful ende. Notwithstandynge other that, or this storye folowynge was and is the occasyon why ye abore berdes, and that was this at your laste beynge in Mowntpyllyer, Martyn the surgyen beyng there with you, and dyd accompany dayly with none so moch as with you: yf ye be remembred, he brought you to dyner vpon a daye to one Hans_smormowthes house a duche-man, in whiche house you were cupshore, otherwyse called dronkyn, at whiche tyme your berde was longe / so then your assocyat martyn brought you to bed / and with the remouyng your stomake tornyd, and so ye vometyd in his bosome, howbeit as moche as your berde myghte holde vpon youre berde remayned tyll the next daye in the morenyng. And when ye waked and smelt your owne berde, ye fel to it a_fresshe, and callynge for your frende Martyn shewynge the cause of this laste myschaunce. Wherupon ye desyred to shaue you. And so when ye sawe your berde, ye sayd that it was a shamfull thynge on any mans face. And so it is in suche cases I not denye / yet shall ye consyder, that our Englysshe-men beynge in Englande dothe vse to kepe theyr berdes moche more clen text lacunose as A4 wanting
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As lo[n]ge as any berdes be worne
Mockynge shall not be forborne
But yet at length, his is the scorne.
I fere it not.

5 ¶With berdyd men, he wyll not drynke
Bycause it doth in theyr berdes synke
The cause therof, ye may soone thynke
His berde in Flaunders ones dyd stynke
Whiche by dystulacyon
10 Of a vomytacyon
Made suche dysturbacyon
That it abored the nacyon.
I fere it not.

¶Some berdes he saith doth grow a_pace
15 To hyde an euyll-coleryd face
In fayth his had an homlye grace
When he was in that dronkyn case
But sythe he doth this matter stere
To make that shauynge shuld be dere
20 I thynke it doth full well appere
That foles had neuer lesse wyt in a yere
I fere it not.

¶A berde sayth he, wyl breyd moch care
If that he with his mayster compare
25 Here may ye proue a wyt full bare
That iudgeth so a man to fare
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What man lyuyng, I wold fayne knowe
That for comparason letes his berde growe
But yet though that a spyghtfull shrow
30 His spyghtful wordes, abrode doth blow
I fere it not, etc.

¶Of berdes he sayth, ther comms no gaynes
and berdes quycknyth not the braynes
Lo how in Physyke, he taketh paynes
35 He merytes a busshel of br[e]wers graynes brewers] brwers 1541
He warneth also euery estate
To auoyde berdes, for fere of debate
If men, lyke hym shuld vse to prate
His warnyng then shuld come to late.
40 I fere it not.

¶If berdes also a purse doth pycke
As ye compare them to be lyke
Yet ye haue gotte more in one wycke
Then berdes in .x. togyther may stryke
45 For by castynge of a pyspotte
Ye haue pollyd many a grote
Yea and moche more god wotte
By falshede ye haue gotte.
I fere it not.

50 ¶Yet one thynge more, I wyll assayle
The daunger of drynkyng ye do bewayle
Beleue ye me, yf all do fayle
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In-stede of a cup, ye shall haue a payle
For you haue gyuen warnynge playne
55 That berdyd men, shall be full fayne
To brynge a cup, for theyr owne gayne
The more fole you, so to dysdayne,
I fere it not.

¶Note me well, for it is trewe
60 Thoughe berdyd men, ye wyll eschewe
There be moche honyster men than you
That wyl drynke long, or they do spewe
As you haue done, I knowe or this
Wherfore I say, though so it is
65 I wyll not tell that is amys
Yet wyll I tell, some trewyth ye_wys.
I fere it not.

¶Yet of one thynge, that ye do treate
Howe that a berde, in a great swete
70 By_lyke doth catche, a k[n]auysshe hete knauysshe] kauysshe 1541
Therby ye do a great prayse gete
For trewely vnfayned
your honyste is dystayned
All-though ye haue dysdayned
75 Men knowe ye haue sustayned.
I fere it not.

¶Though in the wynter, a dew wyl lye
That dystylleth from the nose pryuelye
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To refrayne your cup, ye pray them hartly
80 And all is for superfluous glotonye
For glotony, is of suche a kynde
That ende of excesse, he can none fynde
Tyll past is both, the wyt and mynde
So one of those ye be assynde.
85 I fere it not.

The second parte of that songe.

I Lytell thought, ye were so wyse
Berdes to deuyse of the new guyse
But truely, for your enterpryse
Ye may go cast your wyt at dyse
90 At syncke or syse, whiche so doth fall syncke or syse: see OED s.v. cinque, sice
Fere ye not to cast at all
For yf you lose your lostes be small lostes: see OED lost n.
It is to dere, a tenys-ball.
I fere it not.

95 ¶A berde vpon his ouer-lyppe
Ye saye wyll be a proper tryppe
Wherby ye shall the better skyppe
Go your wayes, I dare let you slyppe
Where-as be many more
100 I thynke by .xx. score
In cocke_lorelles bote before
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Ye maye take an ore.
I fere it not.

¶Yet though that ye one thing do craue
105 Which is a muster_deuyles berde to haue muster_deuyles: see OED musterdevillers; or=master devil?
Ye make me study, so god me saue
If this peticion, came not of a knaue
Perhapes some other man dyd make it
And so ye dyd vp_take it
110 But best ye were forsake it
For fere of Pears_go_nakyt.
Nowe fere you that.

¶Ye say some berdes be lyke lambes-woll
With lytell wyt within theyr skull
115 Who goth a myle, to sucke a bull
Comes home a fole, and yet not full
And where ye wyshe them pekt with pyes
That weres a berde, vnto theyr iyes
Be wyse take hede, suche homely spyes
120 Oftymes can spye your crafty lyes.
I fere it not.

¶But syr I praye you, yf you tell can
Declare to me when god made man
I meane by our forefather Adam
125 Whyther that he had a berde than
And yf he had who dyd hym shaue
Syth that a barber, he coulde not haue
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Well then ye proue hym there a knaue
Bycause his berde, he dyd so saue.
130 I fere it not.

Christ and his apostles, ye haue declaryd
That theyr berdes myght not be sparyd
Nor to theyr berdes, no berdes comparyd
Trewe it is, yet we repayryd
135 By his vocacion, to folowe in generall
His disciples, both great and small
And folowyng ther vse we shuld not fal
Nothynge exceptynge our berdes at all
I fere it not,

140 Sampson with many thousandes more
Of auncient phylosophers, full great store
Wolde not be shauen, to dye therfore
Why shulde you then, repyne so sore
Amyt that men doth Imytate amyt: see OED s.v. admit
145 Thynges of antyquite, and noble state
Such counterfeat thinges oftymes do mytygate
Moche ernest yre, and debate.
I fere it not.

¶Therfore to cease, I thynke be best
150 For berdyd men, wolde lyue in rest
You proue your-selfe, a homly gest
So folysshely, to rayle and iest
For if I wolde go make in ryme
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Howe new-shauyd men, loke lyke scraped swyne
155 and so rayle forth, from tyme to tyme
A knauysshe laude, then shulde be myne
I fere it not.

¶What shulde auayle, me to do so
Yf I shulde teache, howe men shulde go
160 Thynkynge my wyt, moche better lo
Then any other, frende or fo
I myght be imputed trewly
For a foole, that doth gloryfye
In my nowne selfe onelye
165 I thynke you wyll it veryfye.
I fere it not.

And thus farewel, though I do wryght
To answere for berdes, by reason ryght
Yet vnberdyd men, I do not spyght
170 Though ye on berdes therin delyght
And in concludynge, of this thynge
I praye god, saue our noble kynge
Berdes and vnberdyd, to heuen vs brynge
Where-as is Ioye euerlastynge.
175 I fere it not. etc.

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BArnes I say yf thou be shent
Bycause thou wantyst eloquence
Desyre them that thyne entent
May stonde all tymes for thy defence
5 Consyderynge that thy hole pretence
Was more desyrous of vnyte
Then to enuent curyosyte.
Ad imprimendum solum.