Treatise Answering the Book of Beards, The

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¶The treatyse answerynge the boke of Berdes.

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¶To drynke with me, be not a_ferde

For here ye se groweth neuer a berde.

¶I am a foole of Cocke_lorellys bote

Callyng al knaues, to pull therin a rope.

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¶The preface, or the pystle.

IT was so worshypful syr, that at my last beynge in Mountpyllour I chaunsed to be assocyat with a doctor of Physyke / which at his retorne had set forth .iij. Bokes to be prynted in Fleetstrete, within Temple_barre, the whiche Bokes were compyled togyther in one volume named the Introductorie of knowledge / whervpon there dyd not resort only vnto hym marchauntes, gentylmen, and wymen / but also knyghtes, and other great men, whiche were desyrous to knowe the effycacyte, and the effecte of his aforesayd bokes, and so amonge many thynges, they desyred to knowe his fansye, consernynge the werynge of Berdes / He answeryd by great experyence. Some wyl weer berdes bycause theyr faces be pocky, maungy, sausflewme, lyporous, and dysfygured / by the whiche many clene men were infected. So this done, he desyred euery man to be contentyd: Wherfore I desyre no man to be dyspleasyd with me. And where-as he was anymatyd to wryte his boke to th'ende, that great men may laugh therat / I haue deuysed this answere to the entent: that in the redyng they myght laughe vs bothe to scorne / And for that cause I wrote this boke, as god knoweth my pretence / who euer keape youre maystershyp in helthe.

¶Here foloweth a treatyse, made Answerynge the treatyse of doctor Borde vpon Berdes.

CAllynge to remembraunce your notable reproche gyuen vnto berdes, I was constrayned to render the occasion therof, wherupon, I founde by longe surmyse and studye that ye had red the storye of Hellogobalus, and; founde therin greate and stronge auctoryties / which by lykelyhode mouyd you to this Reformacyon of berdes. For ye knowe that Hellogobalus beynge gyuen moche to the desyre of the body, and that by moche superfluyte, [h]e he] ye 1541 thought it requysyght to commyt the fylthy synne of leche[r]y lechery] lechey 1541, vpon the receyptes of delycate meates. For he caused his cokes to make and ordeyne suche hote meates that maye prouoke or stere hym the rather therunto. And in ther so doyng he made them some of his preuye chambre some of his hed lordes of his counsell But yet the chefe and pryncypall preseptes that he gaue vnto his cokes, was this that they shulde not only polle theyr hedes, but also shaue theyr berdes. For this entente, that when he were dronkyn, or vomety[n]ge rype by takyng excesse, that he myghte be well assuryd, that it came not by no heer of from his cokes heddes. For his delyght was not onely in the feminyne kynde / but also delyghted in womenly men / yet he and his fyne vnberdyd faces ledde not onely a vycyous lyfe, but also made a shameful ende. Notwithstandynge other that, or this storye folowynge was and is the occasyon why ye abore berdes, and that was this at your laste beynge in Mowntpyllyer, Martyn the surgyen beyng there with you, and dyd accompany dayly with none so moch as with you: yf ye be remembred, he brought you to dyner vpon a daye to one Hans_smormowthes house a duche-man, in whiche house you were cupshore, otherwyse called dronkyn, at whiche tyme your berde was longe / so then your assocyat martyn brought you to bed / and with the remouyng your stomake tornyd, and so ye vometyd in his bosome, howbeit as moche as your berde myghte holde vpon youre berde remayned tyll the next daye in the morenyng. And when ye waked and smelt your owne berde, ye fel to it a_fresshe, and callynge for your frende Martyn shewynge the cause of this laste myschaunce. Wherupon ye desyred to shaue you. And so when ye sawe your berde, ye sayd that it was a shamfull thynge on any mans face. And so it is in suche cases I not denye / yet shall ye consyder, that our Englysshe-men beynge in Englande dothe vse to kepe theyr berdes moche more clen text lacunose as A4 wanting

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As lo[n]ge as any berdes be worne

Mockynge shall not be forborne

But yet at length, his is the scorne.

I fere it not.

¶With berdyd men, he wyll not drynke

Bycause it doth in theyr berdes synke

The cause therof, ye may soone thynke

His berde in Flaunders ones dyd stynke

Whiche by dystulacyon

Of a vomytacyon

Made suche dysturbacyon

That it abored the nacyon.

I fere it not.

¶Some berdes he saith doth grow a_pace

To hyde an euyll-coleryd face

In fayth his had an homlye grace

When he was in that dronkyn case

But sythe he doth this matter stere

To make that shauynge shuld be dere

I thynke it doth full well appere

That foles had neuer lesse wyt in a yere

I fere it not.

¶A berde sayth he, wyl breyd moch care

If that he with his mayster compare

Here may ye proue a wyt full bare

That iudgeth so a man to fare

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What man lyuyng, I wold fayne knowe

That for comparason letes his berde growe

But yet though that a spyghtfull shrow

His spyghtful wordes, abrode doth blow

I fere it not, etc.

¶Of berdes he sayth, ther comms no gaynes

and berdes quycknyth not the braynes

Lo how in Physyke, he taketh paynes

He merytes a busshel of br[e]wers graynes brewers] brwers 1541

He warneth also euery estate

To auoyde berdes, for fere of debate

If men, lyke hym shuld vse to prate

His warnyng then shuld come to late.

I fere it not.

¶If berdes also a purse doth pycke

As ye compare them to be lyke

Yet ye haue gotte more in one wycke

Then berdes in .x. togyther may stryke

For by castynge of a pyspotte

Ye haue pollyd many a grote

Yea and moche more god wotte

By falshede ye haue gotte.

I fere it not.

¶Yet one thynge more, I wyll assayle

The daunger of drynkyng ye do bewayle

Beleue ye me, yf all do fayle

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In-stede of a cup, ye shall haue a payle

For you haue gyuen warnynge playne

That berdyd men, shall be full fayne

To brynge a cup, for theyr owne gayne

The more fole you, so to dysdayne,

I fere it not.

¶Note me well, for it is trewe

Thoughe berdyd men, ye wyll eschewe

There be moche honyster men than you

That wyl drynke long, or they do spewe

As you haue done, I knowe or this

Wherfore I say, though so it is

I wyll not tell that is amys

Yet wyll I tell, some trewyth ye_wys.

I fere it not.

¶Yet of one thynge, that ye do treate

Howe that a berde, in a great swete

By_lyke doth catche, a k[n]auysshe hete knauysshe] kauysshe 1541

Therby ye do a great prayse gete

For trewely vnfayned

your honyste is dystayned

All-though ye haue dysdayned

Men knowe ye haue sustayned.

I fere it not.

¶Though in the wynter, a dew wyl lye

That dystylleth from the nose pryuelye

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To refrayne your cup, ye pray them hartly

And all is for superfluous glotonye

For glotony, is of suche a kynde

That ende of excesse, he can none fynde

Tyll past is both, the wyt and mynde

So one of those ye be assynde.

I fere it not.

The second parte of that songe.

I Lytell thought, ye were so wyse

Berdes to deuyse of the new guyse

But truely, for your enterpryse

Ye may go cast your wyt at dyse

At syncke or syse, whiche so doth fall syncke or syse: see OED s.v. cinque, sice

Fere ye not to cast at all

For yf you lose your lostes be small lostes: see OED lost n.

It is to dere, a tenys-ball.

I fere it not.

¶A berde vpon his ouer-lyppe

Ye saye wyll be a proper tryppe

Wherby ye shall the better skyppe

Go your wayes, I dare let you slyppe

Where-as be many more

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I thynke by .xx. score

In cocke_lorelles bote before

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Ye maye take an ore.

I fere it not.

¶Yet though that ye one thing do craue

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Which is a muster_deuyles berde to haue muster_deuyles: see OED musterdevillers; or=master devil?

Ye make me study, so god me saue

If this peticion, came not of a knaue

Perhapes some other man dyd make it

And so ye dyd vp_take it

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But best ye were forsake it

For fere of Pears_go_nakyt.

Nowe fere you that.

¶Ye say some berdes be lyke lambes-woll

With lytell wyt within theyr skull

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Who goth a myle, to sucke a bull

Comes home a fole, and yet not full

And where ye wyshe them pekt with pyes

That weres a berde, vnto theyr iyes

Be wyse take hede, suche homely spyes

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Oftymes can spye your crafty lyes.

I fere it not.

¶But syr I praye you, yf you tell can

Declare to me when god made man

I meane by our forefather Adam

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Whyther that he had a berde than

And yf he had who dyd hym shaue

Syth that a barber, he coulde not haue

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Well then ye proue hym there a knaue

Bycause his berde, he dyd so saue.

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I fere it not.

¶ Christ and his apostles, ye haue declaryd

That theyr berdes myght not be sparyd

Nor to theyr berdes, no berdes comparyd

Trewe it is, yet we repayryd

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By his vocacion, to folowe in generall

His disciples, both great and small

And folowyng ther vse we shuld not fal

Nothynge exceptynge our berdes at all

I fere it not,

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¶ Sampson with many thousandes more

Of auncient phylosophers, full great store

Wolde not be shauen, to dye therfore

Why shulde you then, repyne so sore

Amyt that men doth Imytate amyt: see OED s.v. admit

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Thynges of antyquite, and noble state

Such counterfeat thinges oftymes do mytygate

Moche ernest yre, and debate.

I fere it not.

¶Therfore to cease, I thynke be best

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For berdyd men, wolde lyue in rest

You proue your-selfe, a homly gest

So folysshely, to rayle and iest

For if I wolde go make in ryme

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Howe new-shauyd men, loke lyke scraped swyne

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and so rayle forth, from tyme to tyme

A knauysshe laude, then shulde be myne

I fere it not.

¶What shulde auayle, me to do so

Yf I shulde teache, howe men shulde go

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Thynkynge my wyt, moche better lo

Then any other, frende or fo

I myght be imputed trewly

For a foole, that doth gloryfye

In my nowne selfe onelye

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I thynke you wyll it veryfye.

I fere it not.

And thus farewel, though I do wryght

To answere for berdes, by reason ryght

Yet vnberdyd men, I do not spyght

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Though ye on berdes therin delyght

And in concludynge, of this thynge

I praye god, saue our noble kynge

Berdes and vnberdyd, to heuen vs brynge

Where-as is Ioye euerlastynge.

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I fere it not. etc.

¶ Finis.

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BArnes I say yf thou be shent

Bycause thou wantyst eloquence

Desyre them that thyne entent

May stonde all tymes for thy defence

Consyderynge that thy hole pretence

Was more desyrous of vnyte

Then to enuent curyosyte.

R_W

¶ Ad imprimendum solum.