Jill of Brentford's Testament

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Iyl of braintfords Testament. Newly Compiled.

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Proface maistris Iyllian with your company Proface: ="may it do you good!", a formula of welcome used at a meal; see OED s.v. proface

I pray you fil you not to much of the mutton

I promise you that it is very queisy

And or ye be ware wil make your bely button button: ="to send out, cast forth" (Erler, p. 179)?

Take no thought good sir how I shall be fild

But come you neer and take parte of our swilling

Leue your curtesy I pray you be pyld

And couer your head / I be_shrew the filling

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¶ Prologus of Robert_Copland the auctor.

AT Brentforde on the west of London

Nigh to a place that called is Syon

Ther dwelt a widow of a holy sort "holy" may possibly read "homly"; 1563 has "holy"

Honest in substance and full of sport

Da[l]ly letter obscured she could with pastime and Iests

Among her neighbours and her guests

She kept an Inne of right good lodging

For all estates that thither were comming

It chaunced this widow as it is supposed

In her sporte and merily disposed

After her death for a remembrance

Thought to haue some matter of pastance

For p[e]ople letter obscured to laughe at in such company

As ar[e] letter obscured disposed for to talke merily

Mingled with many proper scoffes and boords

Of sundry tauntes with some mery wordes

The which I haue heard at many seasons

Full of pa[stim]e letters obscured with prety reasons

For yf any did a thing ouerthwart

They saide euer ye shall haue a fart

Of Iyll of Brantford for your paine

The which [s]aying oft troubled my brayne saying] laying 1567

For I neuer knew what the matter was

Nor could the meaning bring to passe

Till at the last vpon a day

I met on Iohn_hardlesay

A mery [fe]low letters obscured in ech company

Which said Copland thou lookest dry

The truthe quod I is as ye say

For I drank not of al this day

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And of a short tale to make an end

To the_red_lyon at the shambles end

We went for to drink good ale

And as he was telling his tale

I offered him for to drink first

Copland quoth he art thou a_thirst

And biddeth me afore the to drink

To my iudgement I do think

Of Iyll of Brentforde worthy thou art

By her bequest to haue a fart

And truly now is come to my mynde

Not long ago how I did finde

An olde scrow all ragged and rent scrow: =scroll, see OED s.v. scrow, escrow, scroll

Beseming it is some mery entent

As diuers say that do it reed

But gallant toyes ther semes indeed

It is Antick, broken / and so raced

That all the cheef is clene defaced cheef: =chief (matter)

Take it and I pray the hartely

Looke theron and if thou espy

That it be of any substance

Of mirth or of honest pastaunce

And where thou spiest that it dooth want

Or where for lack the matter is scant

Put to it as is according

To the matter in euery-thing

Keep it with thee, and take sum payne

The poore ma[n] shall haue his ma[re] again man] mare 1567, 1563; mare] man 1567, 1563

¶Whan I came home, at leisure

My hart not parfitly at pleasure

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For the losse of a certain freend

As God knowes few be to finde

For recreation I it toke

To pas the time theron to loke

And of troth oft in the reding

It did stir me to fall on smiling

Considering the prety pastime

And rydic[u]le order of the rime rydicule] rydicle 1567

The couert termes, vnder a mery sence

Shewing of many the blinde insolence

Taunting of things past and to come

Where-as my-self was hit with some

And for that cause I did intend

After this manner to haue it pend

Praying all them that mery be

If it touch them not to blame me

¶An end of the prologue.

Heere foloweth the preface and Testament of mistres Iyllyen of Braintford

THis mery widow mastres Iyllian

On a day dysposed ioyfully

By any way that I presuppose can

Ordeyned a little banket of deinty

At the which to bere her company

For certaine of her neighbours she sent

And for her Curat to be there present

Praying him for to bring paper and ynke

To write somwhat after her entent

She made him cheere of her meat and drink

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That doon she said, this is mine intent

That you as now shall write my testament

For I doo feel that age dooth me oppresse

Good is to haue all-thing in redinesse

My neighbours here shall be with you record

How I am penitent at this making

And whole of minde now thanks to our Lord

How-be-it I haue oft a [s]hrewd letter obscured shaking

Ye shalbe pleased for your pain-taking

Yea maistres quod he I am your curate

I am bound to serue you erly and late

Wel than quod she, In dei nomine Amen

My soule I bequeth to our Lord almight

He hath it made, it is his owne then

He hath it bought, it is his be right

In heauen to be in the eternall light

And to the earth I bequethe my body

It is his owne I can it not deny

My sinnes all I commit to the Deuil

Let him take them with him to hell

For he was the causer of all mine euill

My goodes to the world yf I doo wel

For they be his I can it not expell

Heere I found them, heere they must remain

Saue fame and name / I leaue nothing certain

Now vnto my freends, reason is I should

Haue a singuler aspect by nature

I giue vnto them all that they holde

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As much as I doo to any creature

If they get ought then are they sure

After my death yf they do for me

I bequethe to them of my charitie

But now good sir I pray you for to take

This cup of ale and drink ones for Gods sake

For I am di[s]pos[e]d letters obscured to ordain a dole

To all manner people thorow a hole

For I would not haue to ouer-much prease

Lest that with throng my almes should cease

Now ye haue drunk ones good ghostly father

I trust for to make an end the rather

¶And write as I doo bid you hardly

I bequethe a fart to him that is angry

With his freend, and wots not why

To him that selleth all his herytage

And all his life liueth in seruage

I bequethe a fart / for him in his age

He that sets by no man, nor none by him

And to promotion fain would clim

I bequethe a fart, for to make him trim

He that wil not lerne, and can doo nothing

And with lewd folk, is euer conuersing

I bequethe a fart, toward his liuing

He that boroweth, without aduantage

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And euermore ren[n]eth in arrerage

I bequeath a fart for to lye to gage

He that giueth, and keepeth nought at all

And by kindenes to pouertie dooth fall

Shall haue a fart to help him with-all

He that is euer wayward at hart

And with euery man is ouerthwart

For to please him I bequethe a fart

He that hath drink in his hand and is dry

Bidding him drink first that standeth him by

I bequethe a fart his thirst to satisfy

He that hath a faire wench in bed all night

And kisseth her not onse or it be day-light

Shall haue a fart to clense his eye-sight

He that lendeth a horse with all things meet

And on his own voyage goeth on his feet

Shall haue a fart to keep him fro weet

He that suffereth all maner of offence

And loseth his goods through neglygence

Shall haue a fart for a recompence

He that taketh a wife and hath nothing

And boroweth althing to them belonging

I wil a fart toward their offering

He that prepareth not for his housholde

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Against winter, and him-self is olde

Shall haue a fart, to keep him from colde

He that goeth to a feast, to sup or to dine

And hath no knife with him, neither course nor fine

Shall haue a fart, for to drink with his wine

He that boroweth so much, til none wil lend him

And swereth so much / til none wil beleeue him

Shall haue a fart / for to releeue him

He that mourneth for that, he cannot haue

And vnpossible to get, that he dooth craue

Shall haue a fart / as a foolish knaue

He that dooth nothing, but shaue and poll

100

And taketh no thought / to saue his soll

Shall haue a fart, his passing-bel to toll.

A Prentice, or seruant that wil not obay

And wil not lerne, but oft run away

A fart for his freedome, I doo puruay.

105

He that suffereth his wife to do her lust

And seeth that to folly she is ful trust trust: =trussed, i.e. bound (Erler, p. 184)

Shall haue a fart, though I should burst.

A widdowe that once, hath been in the brake

And careth not whome that she dooth take

110

Shall haue a fart, though mine ars ake

A maid that marrieth, not caring whome

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And dooth repent whan she commeth home

Shall haue a fart to by her a come come: =comb

¶He that dooth drink euermore

115

And wil not shift to pay therfore

Shall haue a fart for to set on his score

He that goeth to a fray at the beginning

And to a good meale at the latter ending

Shall haue a fart for his good attending

120

He that goeth oft where he is not welcome

And to his freends house goeth but seldome

Shall haue a fart for his good wisdome

¶ Maistres Iyll

Now holde your hand make a stay there

How many farts haue I bequest heere

125

For by my trothe I am almoste wery

The Curat.

For sooth maistres / heere is foure and twenty

¶ Maistres Iyll

Nay set in one mo to make a hole quarteron

Curat

Tel me what, and it shall be doon anon

¶ Maistres Iyll

Mary he that dooth his wepon lend

130

And hath nothing him-self to defend

Shall haue a fart, and there an end

These I doo bequethe in especiall

But as for all the other in generall

That are without number shall not be swarued

135

But delt to all such as haue them deserued

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But tary I pray you all if ye please

For I feel me sudenly euil at ease

It is a stich, rumbling in my side

Which dooth greeue me at many a tide

140

I must rest me til the pang be gone

For other medisin knowe I none

It commeth in manner of a winde

That causeth my bely for to grinde

I feare it wil turn to a strangury

145

To an vn[c]om, or to a timpany vncom] vndom 1567, vncom 1563vncom: =ulcerous swelling, boil, sore; see OED s.v. ancome, uncome; timpany: see OED s.v. tympany

With qualmes and stitches it dooth me torment

That all my body is torne and rent

I haue a little box ful of diaculum diaculum: ="the name of a kind of ointment composed of vegetable juices", see OED s.v. diachylon,-lum, diaculum

I dare not for nigardship take sum

150

I_wisse I am vnwise so for to spare it

For I should take therof a_fore the fit

¶The Curat.

¶With that she groned as panged with pain

Griping her bely with her hands twain

And lift vp her buttok somwhat a_wry

155

And like a handgun, she let a fart fly

¶ Maistres Iyll.

¶Ah sira, mary a_way the mare

The deuil giue thee sorow and care

For thou hadst me almoste slain

I pray God thou come neuer again

¶The Curat.

160

With that sum laughed / and sum did frown

And for shame held their heads down

¶ Mistres Iyll

Be mery neighbours, much good doo it you

I thank God, I am wel eased now

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Lo there is my greef gon and past

165

I wist wel that it would not long last

I pray you all for to be mery

I giue it among this company

For to make you some cheer with-all

For I tel you mine executors shall

170

Neuer haue all, by God I swere

I wil deale while I am here

Now and than, where-as I list

By Christe I tell you, I haue a chest

Ful that shall be open while I liue

175

Secretly and openly for to giue

I shall haue inough / I wil not them spare

As wel for other, as mine owne welfare

Whan I am dead they that come after me

Shall dele the rest, at their necessitie

180

Therfore as now, this is sufficient

As concerning this said Testament

To subscribe your names it shall not skil

For I make it but a copy of a wil

As touching the choyce of mine exec[u]tours

185

Of my funeralles / and surueiours

And other trifles ye shall not take the paines

Another time whan it comes in my braines

It shall be ordered after such a sort

That some shall not take it as a sporte

190

But neighbours I pray you be not angry

Because that I am [s]o letter broken bolde and homly

To keep you heere at my foolish reason

Some wil think my wittes be geson

But yet I tell you that all this season

195

We haue neither said heresy nor treason

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And if they take it neuer so at harts

I_wis it is but a bequest of farts

Willed to them that with-out aduisement

Doo that thing where they repent

200

Therfore I wil you no longer trouble

[...................................] The rhyme-scheme indicates that a line is wanting here

What maid, come hither I shrew your neck

Bring vs vp shortly a quart of Seck

A cuple of Bunnes and set vs some cheese

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Lo freends, ye shall not all your labour leese

I haue as now no better cheer to make you

Be mery and welcome, to God I betake you

Finis.

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¶The auctor

WHen the company was all passed and gon

And the curate with maistris Iil alone

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Maistres quod he, if it be your plesance

Ye know it is the custome and ordinance

Of them that wri[t]e letter broken a deed, indenture or Bil

That it is of right, reson and skil

Some recompence of labour for to haue

215

Giue what ye lust, for I wil not craue

By our Lady quod she, that is but wel said

What Iohan Howe / come hither maid

Go call the company again to me

For I haue to say / two woords or three

220

Whan they came, she said neighbours I pray

You beare record what I doo say

I sent for you / for a certain purpose

Which a_fore you, I did disclose

The trueth is so, after the same rate

225

I did send also for maister Curat

To write the same my simple Testament

Now indeed, as is conuenient

He dooth aske for his labour therfore

Indeed, because he made no bargain before

230

And dooth put it to my conscience

Truely this shall he haue for a recompence

And because afore-hand he knew not my minde

He shall not finde me to him vnkinde

A fart and a half / I wil giue him no les

235

Nor no more this is of my gentlenes

For he that woorketh vnknowing what to haue

Not half a fart is woorthy for to craue

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And beside that, a hood full of bels

Why quod the preest, get I nothing els

240

Than to the deuil, I giue whole fart half and all

Nay take it thy-self, foolish sir hoball

Sir Iohn_whipdok, sir Iak_whipstock

Sir Iohn_smelsmock, as wise as a woodcok

A hedge-Curat, with as much wit as a Calf hedge-Curat: see OED s.v. hedge n. 8.a

245

To sit so long for a fart and a half

But to prooue your braines to be thinner

Or euer ye go / pay for your dinner

This she railed, as her manner was to iest

And so without farwel lost her dayly gest

Finis.

¶Thus endeth Iyll of Brainfords testament containing xxvi. farts and a half.

¶An exhortation.

My maisters I pray you all that shall reed

Or heare this little prety fantasy

Passing foorth meryly in it to proceed

The manner how for to dele moste egally

This half fart, truely for to try

That the Curat, for his parte be not denyed

Of the fart and the half, and let the rest ly

And who shall haue the half among you to be tried

In this matter if you doo agree

Who shall haue this half fart, say ye?

¶ Imprinted at London by me William_Copland.