Survivors often tell friends before telling family, reporting to the police, or even seeking help from a counsellor or rape crisis centre.
Many survivors feel shame and doubt about what has happened, and fear a negative response; as a result, 1 in 3 will keep the assault a secret.
Supporting a survivor (the affected party) of sexual harm
- Listen – Often, what people need most is someone to listen to what happened. It may feel like you are not doing much, but just listening is the most important thing you can do.
- Believe – Those who experience sexual harm can doubt their own interpretation of the experience. It is really important to those disclosing that we believe what they tell us. It is also helpful to tell them that it is not their fault.
- Respect their decisions – You may offer to accompany them to Te Whare Tāwharau or another support or reporting agency. Once you make the offer, respect their decision about what they want to do.
The most important thing is for the survivor to make their own decisions. This will enable them to reclaim their power after experiencing sexual harm.
While it is understandable that you may want them to take their healing journey in a certain direction. For example, reporting to the police, outing the perpetrator or going to counselling, it is important to remember whose healing journey it is.
You may be struggling with your friend, partner or family member's choices or attitude about their healing journey. If so, it is important that you voice your concerns separately so as not to silence their decisions.
How not to support a survivor (the affected party) of sexual harm
- Do not speak for the survivor – It is important for the survivor to define the experience for themselves as a way to process what they have been through and claim their own story. It may also lead to them questioning themselves if their experience is mislabeled by the people around them.
- Do not ask probing questions – It is up to the survivor to share their story in their own time, not for the supporters to investigate or know the 'whole story.' Some survivors may never tell their friends and whanau all the details and that is their decision to make.
- Don't impose your views – Sometimes you may feel anger and frustration at the perpetrator. If this does occur you may want to seek your own support so you do not place that burden on the survivor. They need to focus on their own healing journey and having to comfort or talk down their supporters will not make them feel heard.
Responding in a caring and compassionate way can increase the chances that your friend, partner, or colleague will continue to seek help and support. If you need support please come in or call, we are happy to listen to anything you feel you need to discuss.
Common ways that survivors (the affected party) of sexual harm react
There are many different ways people can respond to sexual harm. Some survivors react immediately, others may take days, weeks, months, or even years to react. The survivor's reaction is not directly related to the severity of the event or its impact.
Survivors may:
- Seem fine and undisturbed
- Be in shock
- Cry uncontrollably
- Engage in excessive bathing
- Say it isn't a big deal
- Be angry or enraged
- Engage in self-blaming
Survivors may also have a range of reactions during or after the assault, including fight, flight or freeze. Freezing is an extremely common reaction by survivors in shock after sexual harm.
There is no right or wrong way to respond to sexual harm, and it is never their fault.
Support for those supporting a survivor of sexual harm
If you are hearing a disclosure of sexual harm, it's normal to have your own feelings or to not know what to do. You may need to talk about it and get support. After all, someone you care about has been hurt, and hearing about sexual harm can be confronting.
It can be difficult supporting someone who has suffered from sexual harm. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after that person.
As a supporter of a survivor, we at Te Whare Tāwharau are here to support you too.
OUSA Student Support is the other university organisation best placed to support you as you support a survivor.
Safe to talk is a confidential and free sexual harm helpline.
- Visit the OUSA Student Support website
- Visit the Safe to talk website for information on looking after yourself
Support for University of Otago staff members supporting a survivor of sexual harm
It can be difficult supporting someone who has suffered from sexual harm. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after that person.
If you are a staff member, you can access free confidential support through the University’s Employee Assistance Programme (EAP).
Find out what support EAP can offer you
Disclosures of sexual harm
The staff at Te Whare Tāwharau (TWT) understand the difficulties faced by University staff members when a student discloses they have been sexually assaulted, or when they suspect that a student has been impacted by sexual harm.
Sexual harm affects 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men.
Sexual harm is a traumatic event for any individual. The impact on students includes a lack of ability to:
- Sleep
- Eat
- Focus in lectures
- Complete assignments
- Concentrate in exams
Sexual harm can also have serious long term negative effects. A student may fail to successfully complete their educational goals as a result.
Lecturers and staff are often the first to notice when a student may be struggling, however, they may feel they are unable to help.
At Te Whare Tāwharau, we can help you to support students and help them access the necessary resources and support services to begin the healing process.
Workshop offered by Te Whare Tāwharau for staff
Te Whare Tāwharau offers a workshop on sexual harm for all groups in the University community. For staff we are currently offering:
Responding to Disclosures
The objective of this training is to enable staff to respond to a disclosure of sexual harm, and to know where to refer.
In this workshop, participants will:
- Be provided with legal definitions of sexual harm and consent
- Learn basic skills about supporting survivors of sexual harm
- Discuss the common responses and impacts to sexual harm
- Discuss how rape myths affect disclosures
- Have the opportunity to learn more about the services offered by Te Whare Tāwharau
- Discuss scenarios
This workshop should take one hour.
Workshops can be tailored to meet the needs of the group. To request a workshop for your group, or for more information contact us via email.
Email training.twt@otago.ac.nz
Register for the Responding to Disclosures workshop
Supporting a student
We can offer you guidance and support if you are supporting a student impacted by sexual harm. Talk to us to find out how best to care for your student and for yourself as their support person.